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A new installment will be added daily until completed. But be warned, this is shit boring if you like porn

Daily Log


Green Week started off with a bang at the Champagne Breakfast. All the teams started to show their colours and it was soon discovered that Team 9 and Beer Pirates had almost identical Beer Bongs. JDMM had our own beer guzzling device which was a huge funnel with a skull on it, which we appropriately named ‘Skullit’ and soon became our team mascot. After many pancakes and several glasses of champagne everyone was feeling good, except for Fittsy and Sean who managed wonderfully early spews after champagne laybacks.
Our next destination was the Nott, a journey which had become known as ‘The Pilgrimage’ as Sean and I had traveled there last year in a spur of the moment action to get some beers, and bring back a slab. This year was a slight improvement with about 15 people coming for a beer and parma. We left it late of course and arrived back just in time for the Trike Races. JDMM had a poor showing with or female competitor Priya, landing the first competitive spew of the week, and our male competitor, Pax, also failing to qualify. Afterwards things got kinda messy when Sean spewed into Kissa’s hair in front of the massive crowd. I got my mullet cut, Luke got a 9 shaved into his head, and the Dutch Relay came around. This was my first event to compete in, and we won our heat along with, Team 9, JC/JD and Farrer. Too Piste somehow weaseled their way into the final to round out the field. Once again we got off to a flyer, leading the other teams by a few spins, but unfortunately Sean made his only mistake of the week, and knocked over his beer which was followed by a mix-up where he had to scull another pot after already spinning and we got overtaken and finished 3rd.
Monday was rounded off by Mastermindless trivia challenge in the Dining Room. JDMM had 2 teams with one finishing 5th and the other 4th last. To celebrate (hahaha) we decided to walk home which only took a cool 3 hours. What fun!


Still tired, and really hungover from the night before, the first event on Tuesday was Iron Gut. We asked our friend Jamarl to do this event, purely coz he is the most disgusting, feral, no-shame and certainly no-respect person we know. Well lucky for us, it carried on into eating totally feral things. So when Jamarl was neck and neck with Jesus from Beer Pirates approaching the final hurdle (a warm beer with some sort of food powder in it) and Jamarl finished ahead, JDMM had it’s first ever victory in Green Week.
It was proving to be ‘JDMM Tuesday’ as we had one of the more successful Rogainings in Green Week history. Tash was first, and when she donned on her stylish home made JDMM singlet, and then blitzed her opponent in the heat, she was looking favourite going into the final. Sean on the other hand showed a different level of class. Equipped with JDMM special running singlet, tiny running shorts, long white socks and matching head and wrist bangs, he also blitzed his heat, showing elegance of the Matt Shirvington nature. Sean proved to be more like Shirvo then was first thought, when he flopped out his massive member (which for some strange reason had a tattoo of ‘Razza Matazz’ running along the side) to delight the crowd. The girls final turned out to be the Tash Janetzki show as she came home with a running spew to send the JDMM hoards and he millions of male fans into an uproar. Funnily enough she didn’t seem to be traveling too well afterwards. Sean on the other hand was matched up against Matt ‘The House of Pay-n’, brother of last year’s super Green Week king. Although Sean ran his guts out and even removed his disjointed slong, he was unable to bring down the might that is Farrer. Unfortunately somewhere between more beer bongs and sword fighting with the Beer Pirates, we lost Skullit, and our mascot which had brought us so much good luck, was over.
That night both our rogainers were so pissed and so exhausted they passed out in the same bed face to face. So we said ‘fuck it’ and went to the Pool Comp / Karaoke Night. We unfortunately fucked up our entry so could only put one team in, and we bowed out in the first round. So upstairs we went and thought we’d have a go at some Karaoke. Well things just weren’t going the way of JDMM they had been earlier on and we missed out on getting to sing a song, although we attempted to hijack the rendition of Darkness – A thing called love.


After a nasty headache and severe loss of voice from the wild night before, the day had risen which many, mostly myself had based all of Green Week upon. As is Melbourne, the weather decided to randomly start pissing down so the tug-o-war was postponed which was great for us coz the majority of our iron-men and women were in a presentation (classes during Green Week... what will they think of next). But the Billycart Race was still a go, and with the fine piece on machinery that fellow Mullet members Ollie and Jamarl “Davie Crocket” Skase had welded together, we were pumped to bring home some points and take the lead in Green Week for the first time. But as was the case quite unfortunately, we made it into the final only to lose to our old foes Too Piste with their slightly modified pedal cart. But fair is fair and we got a bonus point for design so no points were lost in the race for the 15 slabs. But there was no time to ponder what might have been as the pet event of G-Dub (oldskool) was approaching. I had completed the Centurion for the first time last year but failed in the final 3 pot skull-off to a freak with the surname Payne. This year ensued the exact same path except a few things were different. 1. I finished it in good company this year with my mate Dave alongside and our female competitor Nicky also there at the death. 2. I was feeling a lot more sober and capable of sculling after 100 shots than I had 12 months earlier. 3. JDMM had purpose to win as the ever surprising entrant from Too Piste Lou had followed my path and finished it both times in her 2 years at uni. So in the end the only thing that didn’t change was another ass-whooping from the House-Of-Payne as Matt took after his brother and kicked everyone’s ass and as I tried to race for second, the moment I finished my 3rd pot, it came up 3 times quicker than it went down thus meaning I was DQed. But Nicky was still a hope for JDMM in if she beat Lou, we would take 3 points for ourselves for the 1st placed female. But as was the case we fell just short as Too Piste took 4 points from Centurion and JDMM took a mere 2 points even though we had both competitors finish the shots. Rough justice FERG! Haha I’m just kidding you big Teddy Bear! In more important events, Sean came home like nerd with Princess Leia in his bed and finished the Shotgun Centurion which seems a fuckload harder than the normal centurion and managed to stay away from the boff until he took the post event celebrations too seriously. Anyway after that Dave spewed in my ear while I was keeled over the bin and that was the last thing I remember before waking up on Thursday morning!


Surely one of the most dramatic days of our already dramatic week, JDMM started the day 1 point behind Too Piste and we obviously wanted to get ahead early and stay ahead all day. The first event was Tug-O-War which had been delayed due to shithouse weather on Wednesday morning. Our team consisted of 3 medium sized blokes, Ollie, 3 medium sized females (please, I mean that with the best intentions) and Priya. So we thought that it may have been a difficult event for us to win and leapfrog Too Piste into outright first. But then out of nowhere, a little kid aged no more 12 in a primary school tracksuit, came up to me and asked me what was going. I proceeded to try and explain Green Week with replacing the word Beer with Cordial and Funnel with Frisbee. His name was Marcel, and he was wandering around uni coz his mum was studying. Anyway, he demanded to be on our Tug-O-War team, and with special permission from Ferg and Annie, He led from the front as Too Piste got knocked out early, and we won 3 out of 4 contests to come 2nd and take back the lead! Marcel stuck around with us for the rest of the day and we got him decked out in a VB shirt and Paddy hat with fake mullet.
Unfortunately he seemed to work out that Boat Races weren’t about sculling cordial but he still wanted to have a go. What a little terrier! So, our boat race team came together for the premier team event of the week. We unfortunately pulled the team with the most ruthless reputation in Boat Race history, Farrer Hall in the first round. Although Boat Races are judged on times, a combination of poor individual efforts, and going first meant we never made it past the heat which was disastrous as Too Piste made it through to the final only to lose to the Team 9 powerhouse machine. So once again the lead changed and Too Piste went ahead by 1 point.
The smell of an unlikely JDMM Green Week victory was in the air and we had to get in front once more before the night activities. The most critical event of the week had fallen upon Four Legless, in which Tash, Sean and myself were designated to run looking like freaks from the planet Endor around uni while sculling pots. Sean was in the middle coz he seemed to enjoy having a jog between sculls (ALA Rogaining Tuesday). After practice with Marcel, we were ready to fly waiting at the start line. Too Piste had decided to take the course backwards which gave us some worries, as if they knew a secret route as they were as determined as us to win and make it near impossible for us to catch them. As Ferg blew the whistle, we bolted as quick as was humanly possible off the line. 3 pots later, 1 spew over my shoulder from Sean, several cries from Tash to stop running and 1 case of broken tape, we came flying out of C1 and touched the tree 1st with Too Piste 5 seconds slower coming from the other direction. JDMM and Too Piste were now even for the first time since the start of the week with only 2 highly unpredictable events to go.


Seeming that Green Week 17 was only my 2nd year, I’m going to make a massive statement and say that the Thursday night piss-up is an annual event which I’ve never missed. This year it was held at the unofficial JDMM home turf of Frost Bites in Chapel St. (famous for cheap drinks and cheap sluts.) We got there nice and early with most of the blokes in our team in their JDMM gear ready for some night activities to earn us some valuable points to hopefully get us in front. But unfortunately it was my Birthday so everyone kept buying me drinks, and before we knew it, our whole team was struggling to get 2 feet flat on the ground. We initially set off to start the night activities with 8 team members, although it wasn’t long till there was only 3 of us left. But we still kept at, buying some more drinks along the way, and sending the Police flash riot unit van into a frenzy as a massive mob of about 50 people, marched towards the city.
After a game of limbo, and a crazy cha cha cha cha congo line, we found ourselves at Federation Square. Ferg decided it was time for a new competition, so he announced that a shuttle race would take place on the river side of the square. He also mentioned that if any of the competitors decided to do it stark nude, then they would have a 5 meter head start. Well as you would have guessed it, every competitor was stripped down and flashing genitals within 30 seconds including Heidi from MSA (who funnily enough as the only female to take part). Anyway the race was as eventful as one could describe with a keyboard, that was until the pigs showed up once again and were probably threatening to charge us all with indecent exposure. But we got the fuck outta there before you could say “Let off some steam Bennett” and we headed towards Parliament steps. In this journey we gained some more group members and our posse wasn’t looking so shit anymore. When we arrived at Parliament house, a massive game of Hokey Pokey had taken place which included items such as ‘penis’, ‘mullet’ and ‘jesus’ which were put in, then soon taken out and shaken all about. A small group of bacon boys had once again formed to watch our little escapades. Mob mentality calls for angry mob chants about women and beastiality, and the Sutton brothers were kind enough to share some with us which we chanted for a decent amount of time until it was obvious the cobbas had had enough and we were forced to move on.
We were finally on route to the final stop for the night, the VB scav hunt which carried points towards the team totals so we really needed the points. Too Piste were kind enough to pike on all the night activities, so we were confident as long as we got 2 points from it, that we would be in a position to take out the slabs the next day. But unfortunately to our absolute horror, Too Piste was waiting for us at Burke St, sober, with at least 15 group members all in warm clothing, and with several cars to get around the city. We were as good as fucked if we were gonna beat them now, even if we got every other team to help us out we still had no cars and bugger all sober members. Meanwhile Ollie and Graz had shown up as well, blind as a bat, with a new team mascot… a 40 year old, fat, homosexual, gothic guy in a trench coat named Al. As we were getting our team together, we were once again visited by our great mates in blue, who decided they’d had enough of our mob, and crack the sads like never before, taking Ferg with them. Night activities was cancelled, and the VB hunt never took place. It was all going to come down to the Shot of Green on Friday…




Top 3 Green Week Efforts


Tash and her wonderful Rogaining run which involved so much spew on the run and completely knocked her out afterwards was the best effort for me for the whole week.


Matt Payne’s double dragon in the Rogaining and Centurion. I don’t know what that boy’s mum feeds him but fuck me, I want some of it. That drinking ability can turn even ME into a bigger man.


Team 9’s efforts throughout the week especially in their shit chants, filthy team shirts and more important their gun ability in team events taking down teams of many more beers experience in Dutch Relay (though we would have shat on them had we not spilled) and Boat Races was something of a positive sign for future Green Weeks


Top 3 Unnecessary acts of Nudity


By a country mile, the mass federation square nudie (shuttle) run which included MSA member Heidi, was the largest display of Penis throughout the whole week, and seemed to gain a lot of Police attention.


The trench coat that covered Fitsy’s full frontal beer bong at the rogaining was certainly causing problems all week as it exposed our man Fitts, and had already been wrapped around Vooks’ naked filth, as he tried to bear hug Captain Jack, only for everyone to get a great glimpse of his brown eye.


And we certainly couldn’t forget those bloody nutters from SAS – Wogoomoopoto who braved the cold weather and severe shrinkage in those tartan quilts all week.

Top 3 Spews


Easily Sean’s spew into Kissa’s hair in front of 200 people at the trike races was something to never be forgotten. Poor Kissa had to shave the chunks out of his hair after that vicious and unprovoked attack.


I’m gonna have to show some more favoritism to our mate Sean but he really did show some seriously gross but most JDMM pleasing spews throughout the week. I think his attempt at a J, his helicopter after the rogaining and once again after the shotgun centurion, all came in a tied 2nd place


Dave’s (JC/JC) massive spew into my ear after the centurion was spectacular. It completely threw me off balance and I need to be held up mostly due to the laughter. Thanks champ!


More to come...